I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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