life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Girls should come with a carfax report
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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