so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
