oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
