he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
