So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
