Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
