Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
