life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
