cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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