I wish my penis had an off switch
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I pour the whiskey from now on
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
