Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so that wasnt chicken after all
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
false alarm. still invincible.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
