i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
