the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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