I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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