i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Randomize
