Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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