i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
