were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
