Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
