Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
