If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
