just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
