It was confusing and full of hummus
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
