I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
