I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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