So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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