So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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