I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
