Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
