my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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