I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
