I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
