i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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