just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
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