I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
