You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
