Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
