Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
