No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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