A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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