I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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