I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I think I sprained my soul last night
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Randomize
