Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just took my morning after pill in the library
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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