More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
