happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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