I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
