my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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