The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
