dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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