i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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