I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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